Me: Alexa, turn on living room light.
Alexa, to living room light: You know, I never liked you.

Doggy cereal*

* This is a meme based inside joke that is making me really happy right now but I’ll forget by tomorrow

Oh. They’re actually eating the Tide Pods. That’s a real thing. People are doing. Tide Pods. They eat them. Ok.

Wormwood is really good and I think I’m going to be getting extremely into Errol Morris this year.

You ever take a nap and feel your metabolism so a hard reboot when you wake up?

Shoutout to the guy vaping on the 10, smoke streaming out the window down the freeway

I miss yesterday, when my new black blouse was unworn and my white dog hadn’t cuddled me while I wore it. These days I’m only fashionable for a few hours at a time, max.

I don’t think I’ve ever been emotionally invested in awards season EVER, but LADY BIRD SHOULD WIN EVERY AWARD IT CAN AND I AM GLAD IT DID WELL LAST NIGHT BUT LAURIE METCALF WAS ROBBED. #?? #??? #???

New Year’s goals:
– Grow 3 inches (height)
– Sleep the exact right amount
– 15 sonnets composed in my honor

Hangover status: about to go to bed and just now realized I’ve been wearing my pants backwards all day.